Not Waiting for Time

To say the least, the past four weeks have been overwhelming. It's been filled with loneliness, a lot of prayer, realizations, and new friendships.

Back in the summer, I was adamant about things regarding dating and marriage. I was one of those girls that HAD to marry an RM, was extremely terrified of the idea of love and I was pretty set on the age of 28 to be married.

All I have to say now is that I don't believe in those things anymore.

Growing up, I was taught that marrying a returned missionary was the best thing I could do for myself. As I grow older, I don't think this is true. There are some RM's that just aren't good people. Just because you have served a mission, doesn't mean you're better than everyone else. I'm not saying they are bad things, and if I do end up marrying someone that served a mission: BONUS. But it is no longer a necessary "trait" I am seeking for in my future husband. There are really good people out there that simply choose not to serve a mission. Honestly, I have no right to judge or be picky because I have also chosen that for myself.

Love has always been a scary thought to me. I can't remember a time where I wasn't afraid that I might not ever love someone. I don't feel afraid anymore. It's not that I am going to throw myself at any human being, but I am open to the idea. I definitely do not know what romantic-love feels like yet, but I am 100% positive I know how to recognize it. I see it on the faces of old couples, on newly-wed friends. Recognizing love is one of the most amazing things I've learned and I am so excited to be able to one day understand what it feels like to be in it. 

Now here is the doozy. If you have ever had even a small conversation with me, you should be aware of how big I am on my career goals and what I want to do with my life. A long time ago, I told myself that 28 is a decent age to get married. Why I set this limit was probably out of fear of not dating during my college career. My (sixth, HA JOKES) best friend, Chris said something really profound the other day to me. He said, "I'm not waiting for time, I'm waiting for the right person." It hit me like a brick wall. I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't limit myself on the age I get married because that might stop me from finding the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of eternity. I spent the first two and a half years at BYU telling myself I'm still too young to get married, that I'm not at that point in my life yet. As scary as it is, I am old enough. I'm absolutely not ready in any way, but I have this gut feeling that I will be once I find the right person. At the rate I've been dating....my plan for 28 might turn into 23 and I'm actually really okay with that fact. 

This has all just been a reminder to me that I can't plan my life without remember that God has a huge part in it. It's good to plan, and make back ups in case things fall through, but I can't fight what has already been laid out for me. That's just not how life works. So I guess in a way, this is me giving in, to my own eternal salvation...because it's pointless to fight the inevitable, right? So bring it on world, I'm totally not ready for you, but I'll try one small step at a time.

Fourth Time's A Charm

So I'm guessing you already know I broke my ankle. Annnd the joke of the day is that I literally have weak ankles. (Hercules, anyone?)

Anyway, here is the story...I was doing a backflip and I landed wrong. KIDDING. I'm not cool like that. So I was at Jump on It (A trampoline park) and I was hopping across a few trampolines to get from point a to point b....and because apparently I lack a sense of how to walk properly, I stepped wrong on my left foot, heard a snap and fell back on the ground. Turns out, it wasn't just a really bad sprain....I fractured my ankle.

Surprisingly, I wasn't that upset. This is the fourth time I've broken a bone...so nothing really comes as a surprise anymore.

Something that did take me by surprise was how quickly everyone around me reacted. I have been completely overwhelmed by the service my friends and acquaintances have shown me, and I have never felt more grateful and blessed in my life.

It's not so bad having a broken ankle. It is an eye opening experience of true friendship and meaningful relationships. So if you have even sat with me the past few days while I have been house-ridden (well I guess apartment-ridden) THANK YOU! It means the world to me that people are willing to spend time with me, and watch dumb movies, and just talk with me.

Here's to six weeks in a stupid boot. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I Am Who I Am.

I don't really know why I feel the urge to write this, but here goes.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been trying to please my parents. When I turned four, I started violin lessons and my mother made it clear that it could be nothing more than a hobby. Ironically enough, this hobby kicked my butt as a four year old. I had to practice for at least an hour, if not more, every single day for fifteen years. I cherished my violin and if I didn't want to practice, my mom would threaten to take it away from me. I grew an attachment to something that I didn't even love that much. 

When it came to school, I was expected to get straight A's, anything less would cause trouble. With classes that I took, they had to be the most advanced (and this didn't just start in high school with AP classes). I remember in sixth grade, a phone call came from my teacher saying that I didn't do well enough on the placement exam to be in the advanced math. I remember crying all day because of that, which now seems completely ridiculous to me. But it was important that I could do my best for my parents, and as an eleven-year-old, I realized I wasn't doing that. I remember my dad telling me he was disappointed in me. By the time it was my freshman year in high school, I got my first B. I was lectured and it was not fun. It's hard being at your friends house seeing their parents praising them for getting A's and sometimes even rewarding them. 

My junior year of high school was the hardest year of my life. I was constantly trying to please my mom and it felt like she would only get angrier at me the harder I tried. With church, my testimony was at an all-time low. I didn't believe in anything and I thought I was going insane. There was a day where I just was not having it, and I contemplated suicide. It felt like the easy way out. Now, I don't want to scare anyone, because I didn't attempt it. But I definitely thought about the ways I could. But something stopped and saved me from even trying, and that was my friends. I grew up never feeling support from my family for my ambitions and accomplishments, but the people that did give that to me were my friends. I knew if I decided to end my life that year, that would be the most selfish thing. So I didn't. For that, I will forever be thankful for the friendships that I made in high school. My senior was one of the best years of my life, which is why I have no complaints about high school experiences. 

I've learned to stop running from my problems, and now that I no longer live with my parents, our relationship has gotten a little better. It's not that I don't love them, but when you spend eighteen years of your life never being told you're loved or smart or good at anything, it gets tough. I've essentially taken back my life ever since moving out. My parents have attempted to choose my school major, standards and stances in life. But I said no more. Not to just my parents, but everyone. As much as anyone pushes, I can't be something I'm not. I might not know completely who I am yet, but if one thing is for certain is that I am a daughter of God and I know He loves me unconditionally. If He didn't, I wouldn't be blessed with such amazing friends in my life.

My life has taken a 180 since high school. Everything feels different now. So if you're ever curious as to why I am always so giddy, and why I have to hug and tell everyone I love them, it's because that's who I am. I want to give people what I never was shown growing up. As much as it saddens me that I am not close with my family, it's also nice to remember that my friends are my family. They are my everything. I would do anything for them, because they would do the same for me.