On His Time, Not Yours.

I taught myself at a very young age to put on a face if things weren't going right in my life. I grew up with the idea that you could do/feel whatever you wanted in your home, but never show any sign that things were wrong in public. 

Lately, life has been tough. I guess that's how it should be. We seem to all go through cycles of life being the greatest thing ever and then out of nowhere our worlds come crashing down and nothing seems to be going right. 

I can tell you right now...that life has not been even remotely close to perfect for me lately. But I'm guessing it hasn't been for you either. 

I'll be honest and admit, I am not adjusting well to having all of my high school friends home from their missions. It's weird and I liked my life while they were gone. I suddenly feel like I have a double life but the Rachel they all knew well and loved no longer exists. I've always said you make friendships because of shared experiences. Well....I can't really say we share any experiences as of now. I still love and adore everyone but I've changed so much that it feels strange to be around everyone again.

Dating...is a bloody nightmare. Now I know I can't talk cause other people are having the same problem too but I've reach a point where I really just feel like quitting and just pushing it to the back of my priority list or even off it indefinitely. Dealing with the past, it is difficult to try to be the bigger person because pride can get in the way a lot of times. There's just so much pressure coming from all places to get married and I have no potentials right now. 

School is tough. Trying to figure out the future is really really scary. I don't know what path to take and one might take me to a foreign country for about 5+ years. 

I think overall for the past few weeks I've been overwhelmed with trying to find true happiness. Ultimately I've learned that life is never perfect. Never has and never will be. The most reassuring feeling I received from this past conference weekend was from Elder L. Whitney Clayton. Though I cannot remember details from his talk, he spoke on choosing to believe in Christ. That stuck in my head all weekend long. Everyday, we make choices. I think it is not just a one time effort, but a monthly, weekly, daily, hourly effort we should make to believe in Christ. 

Life can get really really hard. We all are put through trials that sometimes seem impossible to overcome. But seeing as how far we've come, put your faith in Christ that He can guide you through the rest of your life too. I know I am going to make that choice and try my best to remind myself to make it each and every day. Just as Elder Clayton said, "We will not accidentally come to believe in the Savior and His Gospel any more than we will accidentally pray or pay tithing." Above all, this was my favorite reminder from his talk, "In those moments when the light of your faith has dimmed, let your hope for the Savior’s love and grace, found in His gospel and His Church, overcome your doubt."

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.
Everything happens for a reason, and happens when it should. We can get through the tough times together, no matter how long and miserable they may seem at first.

Sorry I'm Not White

I have always been skeptical about the things I get in life. I never feel like I deserve them. This would include the long list of things like: my friends, my college acceptance, internship acceptance, dating life etc.

My biggest fear has always been, "Did I get this because I am Asian, and not because I worked long hard hours for it?" Honestly, it sucks not being an upper class Caucasian person. I have to work twice as hard to get what all these fancy white folk get. Or worse, I don't have to try at all because someone doesn't want to look racist. To this day, being twenty-one years old, my biggest insecurity has always been my looks and my ethnicity. I often feel as if I'm suffering from a constant identity crisis. I act like every other white girl, but my looks tell me otherwise.

It is not fun being told that I'm at an advantage because I'm an asian woman. Shouldn't the reason as to why you get something is because of your hard work, not because a school/internship/company looks better with you there? To this day, I am still not sure as to why I got the opportunity to attend BYU, because I am not very bright. The day I had orientation for my Utah State Legislature internship, I quickly realized I was the only Asian person there and there was one other African American student. The rest were white people. It's easy to start questioning yourself when these are the circumstances of your life.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate "the white man." In fact, if you don't know this by now, I clearly have white-boy fever and lack of yellow fever. 90% of my friends are white. But it's hard seeing people get opportunities and you know they got it because they worked hard, not because the company considered their ethnicity or gender. I honestly cannot wait for the day I get married. Why? Because I'll finally have a "normal" last name. Because that means my application for anything automatically has a better chance at avoiding prejudice. If you're reading this and you're white, REALIZE that for some sad messed up reason, I will never ever get as many opportunities as you will. That's just how this world works, unfortunately.

Not only with careers, but I am shocked by compliments from people. I don't take them seriously. I think people are lying to make me feel better about the way I look. It's tough growing up as a proud American, but all you are seen for is Chinese (or anything that really isn't white). Racism is alive and well. Despite people not realizing it. It's the little things that get to people sometimes, so tread carefully.

Although at times I am feeling this way, for the most part I am hopeful that most of the things which I have been given in this life were not because of my looks/ethnicity, but for who I truly am. I am hopeful that my friendships are meaningful. My acceptance into my school was for a reason. My dating life has gone the way it has. And whatever else that is to come is because I worked hard to get it, not because somebody didn't want to be seen as a racist.

I get it, racist jokes are funny sometimes. But eventually they become too much and become believable. So I'm asking you, whoever you are, to stop making comments towards others race and gender because how would you like it if we did that to you? Wouldn't be too exciting would it? So don't come tell me I got something because I'm Asian, because if that is the case, then I don't want it. Let's try our best to be kind and treat each other equally so future generations do not have to worry about conformity or stereotypes. People don't need to be reminded of their race, gender, religion, etc. We already know what we are. So let's try to become better versions of ourselves rather than focus on the past.

Believing in Happy Endings

When I was little, I convinced myself that fairytale dreams are impossible goals. I spent my teenage years looking down at the girls that expected Prince Charming (or now the ever popular Flynn Rider) to come save me, sweep me off my feet and we'd live happily ever after. I still find that ridiculous, but that is a rant for another day. I taught myself to be independent. To learn to rely on no one but myself. Slowly but surely during the past couple years of college, I have torn down that wall for God. Living a life without Him is confusing, dark, and I would never recommend it. When I entered college, I was and still am determined to never be a girl getting her MRS degree. If you happen to be one of those girls, seeking the lifestyle of only being a mother that is totally and completely acceptable. But I would personally never choose that life for myself; I want to have a career AND be a mother. I would hope that we can all respect each other for our choices and vise versa.

Recently, I have realized that I have been coming up with a lot of really crappy invalid reasons not go get married or make an extra effort to find my future husband. First of all, whoever I marry should respect my beliefs and wouldn't force me to do anything that I would not want to do. For example, tell me to drop out of school, because honey that is not happening. Or when we have children ask me to quit my job to be a stay at home mom 24/7, which, for me, would be disrespecting my choices. I don't want to get too deep into this, but I am fully aware that the LDS church has a strong stance on what men and women should do when it comes to families. However, it never says that a woman should not work. In fact, president Hinckley urged women to get a full education. Why should I be the only one making that sacrifice? My father was the one in my family that took me to school and picked me up. He taught me to drive, he taught me to ask God whether or not to know if things are true. I am not saying my mom didn't raise me, but I am saying that both people in a relationship should make certain sacrifices depending on their situation. There are no set rules on what kinds of sacrifices people should make when starting a family. You do you. And I am POSITIVE that Heavenly Father will help and guide you along the way. 

There's no easier way to put the fact that I am scared of marriage. It scares me that all my friends tell me that I will be engaged within a year or so. The future in general is scary. But what I do know is that I can't really mess around anymore and I need to buckle down and focus on not just school and a career but finding the poor sap that gets to be stuck with me for the rest of eternity. So here's to you future husband....sorry I am so stubborn and have been avoiding you....

I would say I'm 75% more open to the idea of finding the guy...but what I am 100% sure of is I believe in happy endings. It took a while, but I'm slowly but surely starting to be less scared. Dating/Marriage is work. It doesn't come at ease. But if we work hard for what we want, we can be happy. Here's to all us finding who we are meant to be with for the rest of forever.

Sorry for the language...

Not Waiting for Time

To say the least, the past four weeks have been overwhelming. It's been filled with loneliness, a lot of prayer, realizations, and new friendships.

Back in the summer, I was adamant about things regarding dating and marriage. I was one of those girls that HAD to marry an RM, was extremely terrified of the idea of love and I was pretty set on the age of 28 to be married.

All I have to say now is that I don't believe in those things anymore.

Growing up, I was taught that marrying a returned missionary was the best thing I could do for myself. As I grow older, I don't think this is true. There are some RM's that just aren't good people. Just because you have served a mission, doesn't mean you're better than everyone else. I'm not saying they are bad things, and if I do end up marrying someone that served a mission: BONUS. But it is no longer a necessary "trait" I am seeking for in my future husband. There are really good people out there that simply choose not to serve a mission. Honestly, I have no right to judge or be picky because I have also chosen that for myself.

Love has always been a scary thought to me. I can't remember a time where I wasn't afraid that I might not ever love someone. I don't feel afraid anymore. It's not that I am going to throw myself at any human being, but I am open to the idea. I definitely do not know what romantic-love feels like yet, but I am 100% positive I know how to recognize it. I see it on the faces of old couples, on newly-wed friends. Recognizing love is one of the most amazing things I've learned and I am so excited to be able to one day understand what it feels like to be in it. 

Now here is the doozy. If you have ever had even a small conversation with me, you should be aware of how big I am on my career goals and what I want to do with my life. A long time ago, I told myself that 28 is a decent age to get married. Why I set this limit was probably out of fear of not dating during my college career. My (sixth, HA JOKES) best friend, Chris said something really profound the other day to me. He said, "I'm not waiting for time, I'm waiting for the right person." It hit me like a brick wall. I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't limit myself on the age I get married because that might stop me from finding the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of eternity. I spent the first two and a half years at BYU telling myself I'm still too young to get married, that I'm not at that point in my life yet. As scary as it is, I am old enough. I'm absolutely not ready in any way, but I have this gut feeling that I will be once I find the right person. At the rate I've been dating....my plan for 28 might turn into 23 and I'm actually really okay with that fact. 

This has all just been a reminder to me that I can't plan my life without remember that God has a huge part in it. It's good to plan, and make back ups in case things fall through, but I can't fight what has already been laid out for me. That's just not how life works. So I guess in a way, this is me giving in, to my own eternal salvation...because it's pointless to fight the inevitable, right? So bring it on world, I'm totally not ready for you, but I'll try one small step at a time.

Fourth Time's A Charm

So I'm guessing you already know I broke my ankle. Annnd the joke of the day is that I literally have weak ankles. (Hercules, anyone?)

Anyway, here is the story...I was doing a backflip and I landed wrong. KIDDING. I'm not cool like that. So I was at Jump on It (A trampoline park) and I was hopping across a few trampolines to get from point a to point b....and because apparently I lack a sense of how to walk properly, I stepped wrong on my left foot, heard a snap and fell back on the ground. Turns out, it wasn't just a really bad sprain....I fractured my ankle.

Surprisingly, I wasn't that upset. This is the fourth time I've broken a bone...so nothing really comes as a surprise anymore.

Something that did take me by surprise was how quickly everyone around me reacted. I have been completely overwhelmed by the service my friends and acquaintances have shown me, and I have never felt more grateful and blessed in my life.

It's not so bad having a broken ankle. It is an eye opening experience of true friendship and meaningful relationships. So if you have even sat with me the past few days while I have been house-ridden (well I guess apartment-ridden) THANK YOU! It means the world to me that people are willing to spend time with me, and watch dumb movies, and just talk with me.

Here's to six weeks in a stupid boot. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I Am Who I Am.

I don't really know why I feel the urge to write this, but here goes.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been trying to please my parents. When I turned four, I started violin lessons and my mother made it clear that it could be nothing more than a hobby. Ironically enough, this hobby kicked my butt as a four year old. I had to practice for at least an hour, if not more, every single day for fifteen years. I cherished my violin and if I didn't want to practice, my mom would threaten to take it away from me. I grew an attachment to something that I didn't even love that much. 

When it came to school, I was expected to get straight A's, anything less would cause trouble. With classes that I took, they had to be the most advanced (and this didn't just start in high school with AP classes). I remember in sixth grade, a phone call came from my teacher saying that I didn't do well enough on the placement exam to be in the advanced math. I remember crying all day because of that, which now seems completely ridiculous to me. But it was important that I could do my best for my parents, and as an eleven-year-old, I realized I wasn't doing that. I remember my dad telling me he was disappointed in me. By the time it was my freshman year in high school, I got my first B. I was lectured and it was not fun. It's hard being at your friends house seeing their parents praising them for getting A's and sometimes even rewarding them. 

My junior year of high school was the hardest year of my life. I was constantly trying to please my mom and it felt like she would only get angrier at me the harder I tried. With church, my testimony was at an all-time low. I didn't believe in anything and I thought I was going insane. There was a day where I just was not having it, and I contemplated suicide. It felt like the easy way out. Now, I don't want to scare anyone, because I didn't attempt it. But I definitely thought about the ways I could. But something stopped and saved me from even trying, and that was my friends. I grew up never feeling support from my family for my ambitions and accomplishments, but the people that did give that to me were my friends. I knew if I decided to end my life that year, that would be the most selfish thing. So I didn't. For that, I will forever be thankful for the friendships that I made in high school. My senior was one of the best years of my life, which is why I have no complaints about high school experiences. 

I've learned to stop running from my problems, and now that I no longer live with my parents, our relationship has gotten a little better. It's not that I don't love them, but when you spend eighteen years of your life never being told you're loved or smart or good at anything, it gets tough. I've essentially taken back my life ever since moving out. My parents have attempted to choose my school major, standards and stances in life. But I said no more. Not to just my parents, but everyone. As much as anyone pushes, I can't be something I'm not. I might not know completely who I am yet, but if one thing is for certain is that I am a daughter of God and I know He loves me unconditionally. If He didn't, I wouldn't be blessed with such amazing friends in my life.

My life has taken a 180 since high school. Everything feels different now. So if you're ever curious as to why I am always so giddy, and why I have to hug and tell everyone I love them, it's because that's who I am. I want to give people what I never was shown growing up. As much as it saddens me that I am not close with my family, it's also nice to remember that my friends are my family. They are my everything. I would do anything for them, because they would do the same for me. 

Why Life isn't Peachy Keen....

I think we're all pretty aware that life isn't easy. We need to work hard for our jobs, our grades, our significant others (or lack thereof), and the biggest pain in our butts: our futures.

I don't know about anyone else, but the future is what I fear most in the entire world. My absolute least favorite question is "where do you see yourself in five years" I don't know, where do you? Because I can guarantee five years ago, you didn't expect yourself to be where you are today. It's a ridiculous question. I can't even say what exactly I'll be doing a week from now, let alone tomorrow. However, I have found that we all need to brace ourselves for what the future holds. Just like those safety pamphlets on airplanes, (that we all seem to neglect after several flights) it's always good to be ready. I know I'm repetitive, but only because it's a true statement. But hope for the best, and plan for the worst.

The past week and a half has literally been the most confusing, joy-filled, sad/lonely and spiritual time in my life. I know, that sounds insane. I have basically felt every emotion possible put into a few short days. But to put things into perspective, long-story short, I lost two people very important to me. One by choice, and one without. (No, nobody died. Or is in a coma) I can tell you right now, that three weeks ago, I did not expect my life to be in this situation. But I've been reminded that every moment, and every decision we make has a purpose. 

I carry this notebook to church, that my mom randomly gave me as a gift. There's a quote on it from Marjorie Hinckley that says, "Everything you are learning now, is preparing you for something else." It seems pretty cheesy, but it has truth. Lately hard decisions have been popping up everywhere. School, work life, and personal life. I have spent the past few days trying to sort out my life, figuring out why people were brought into it, and why I have been prompted to make certain choices. And simply put, it's because it's supposed to help me for the future. The place that I fear most. But it doesn't sound as scary when you realize that ultimately you decide what happens.

I remember right before all my friends left on missions they all made sure I was aware that I was NOT allowed to get married while they were gone. Me, being stubborn and headstrong, would shout that I would never be a college bride. And they would gently remind me that it was my choice at the end of the day. We all make decisions every single moment of every single day that can determine our future, but it is up to us to make sure we choose the right ones. As much as Heavenly Father wants to help us out, we need to ask for it, and He expects us to make the right choices. It's kind of how our parents told us that we could stay out past midnight, but they preferred us to come home earlier.

Yesterday, I sat down with my dad and just vented to him about everything going on in my life. All he said in return was, "There are somethings you cannot learn from others and have to experience for yourself" 

I think ultimately this past week and a half, I have learned that having weaknesses is not a bad thing. Feeling sad, alone, and angry are not bad things. Putting up emotional walls? Not so great, but still not a bad thing. Asking for comfort, help, guidance? Definitely not a bad thing. There is always something to improve on in life, even if you think you're at your best. Life never has and never will be easy, but our challenges and trials will be worth it in the end. So let's help each other get through the tough times, and laugh through the best.