My biggest fear has always been, "Did I get this because I am Asian, and not because I worked long hard hours for it?" Honestly, it sucks not being an upper class Caucasian person. I have to work twice as hard to get what all these fancy white folk get. Or worse, I don't have to try at all because someone doesn't want to look racist. To this day, being twenty-one years old, my biggest insecurity has always been my looks and my ethnicity. I often feel as if I'm suffering from a constant identity crisis. I act like every other white girl, but my looks tell me otherwise.
It is not fun being told that I'm at an advantage because I'm an asian woman. Shouldn't the reason as to why you get something is because of your hard work, not because a school/internship/company looks better with you there? To this day, I am still not sure as to why I got the opportunity to attend BYU, because I am not very bright. The day I had orientation for my Utah State Legislature internship, I quickly realized I was the only Asian person there and there was one other African American student. The rest were white people. It's easy to start questioning yourself when these are the circumstances of your life.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate "the white man." In fact, if you don't know this by now, I clearly have white-boy fever and lack of yellow fever. 90% of my friends are white. But it's hard seeing people get opportunities and you know they got it because they worked hard, not because the company considered their ethnicity or gender. I honestly cannot wait for the day I get married. Why? Because I'll finally have a "normal" last name. Because that means my application for anything automatically has a better chance at avoiding prejudice. If you're reading this and you're white, REALIZE that for some sad messed up reason, I will never ever get as many opportunities as you will. That's just how this world works, unfortunately.
Not only with careers, but I am shocked by compliments from people. I don't take them seriously. I think people are lying to make me feel better about the way I look. It's tough growing up as a proud American, but all you are seen for is Chinese (or anything that really isn't white). Racism is alive and well. Despite people not realizing it. It's the little things that get to people sometimes, so tread carefully.
Although at times I am feeling this way, for the most part I am hopeful that most of the things which I have been given in this life were not because of my looks/ethnicity, but for who I truly am. I am hopeful that my friendships are meaningful. My acceptance into my school was for a reason. My dating life has gone the way it has. And whatever else that is to come is because I worked hard to get it, not because somebody didn't want to be seen as a racist.
I get it, racist jokes are funny sometimes. But eventually they become too much and become believable. So I'm asking you, whoever you are, to stop making comments towards others race and gender because how would you like it if we did that to you? Wouldn't be too exciting would it? So don't come tell me I got something because I'm Asian, because if that is the case, then I don't want it. Let's try our best to be kind and treat each other equally so future generations do not have to worry about conformity or stereotypes. People don't need to be reminded of their race, gender, religion, etc. We already know what we are. So let's try to become better versions of ourselves rather than focus on the past.
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