Not Waiting for Time

To say the least, the past four weeks have been overwhelming. It's been filled with loneliness, a lot of prayer, realizations, and new friendships.

Back in the summer, I was adamant about things regarding dating and marriage. I was one of those girls that HAD to marry an RM, was extremely terrified of the idea of love and I was pretty set on the age of 28 to be married.

All I have to say now is that I don't believe in those things anymore.

Growing up, I was taught that marrying a returned missionary was the best thing I could do for myself. As I grow older, I don't think this is true. There are some RM's that just aren't good people. Just because you have served a mission, doesn't mean you're better than everyone else. I'm not saying they are bad things, and if I do end up marrying someone that served a mission: BONUS. But it is no longer a necessary "trait" I am seeking for in my future husband. There are really good people out there that simply choose not to serve a mission. Honestly, I have no right to judge or be picky because I have also chosen that for myself.

Love has always been a scary thought to me. I can't remember a time where I wasn't afraid that I might not ever love someone. I don't feel afraid anymore. It's not that I am going to throw myself at any human being, but I am open to the idea. I definitely do not know what romantic-love feels like yet, but I am 100% positive I know how to recognize it. I see it on the faces of old couples, on newly-wed friends. Recognizing love is one of the most amazing things I've learned and I am so excited to be able to one day understand what it feels like to be in it. 

Now here is the doozy. If you have ever had even a small conversation with me, you should be aware of how big I am on my career goals and what I want to do with my life. A long time ago, I told myself that 28 is a decent age to get married. Why I set this limit was probably out of fear of not dating during my college career. My (sixth, HA JOKES) best friend, Chris said something really profound the other day to me. He said, "I'm not waiting for time, I'm waiting for the right person." It hit me like a brick wall. I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't limit myself on the age I get married because that might stop me from finding the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of eternity. I spent the first two and a half years at BYU telling myself I'm still too young to get married, that I'm not at that point in my life yet. As scary as it is, I am old enough. I'm absolutely not ready in any way, but I have this gut feeling that I will be once I find the right person. At the rate I've been dating....my plan for 28 might turn into 23 and I'm actually really okay with that fact. 

This has all just been a reminder to me that I can't plan my life without remember that God has a huge part in it. It's good to plan, and make back ups in case things fall through, but I can't fight what has already been laid out for me. That's just not how life works. So I guess in a way, this is me giving in, to my own eternal salvation...because it's pointless to fight the inevitable, right? So bring it on world, I'm totally not ready for you, but I'll try one small step at a time.

Fourth Time's A Charm

So I'm guessing you already know I broke my ankle. Annnd the joke of the day is that I literally have weak ankles. (Hercules, anyone?)

Anyway, here is the story...I was doing a backflip and I landed wrong. KIDDING. I'm not cool like that. So I was at Jump on It (A trampoline park) and I was hopping across a few trampolines to get from point a to point b....and because apparently I lack a sense of how to walk properly, I stepped wrong on my left foot, heard a snap and fell back on the ground. Turns out, it wasn't just a really bad sprain....I fractured my ankle.

Surprisingly, I wasn't that upset. This is the fourth time I've broken a bone...so nothing really comes as a surprise anymore.

Something that did take me by surprise was how quickly everyone around me reacted. I have been completely overwhelmed by the service my friends and acquaintances have shown me, and I have never felt more grateful and blessed in my life.

It's not so bad having a broken ankle. It is an eye opening experience of true friendship and meaningful relationships. So if you have even sat with me the past few days while I have been house-ridden (well I guess apartment-ridden) THANK YOU! It means the world to me that people are willing to spend time with me, and watch dumb movies, and just talk with me.

Here's to six weeks in a stupid boot. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I Am Who I Am.

I don't really know why I feel the urge to write this, but here goes.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been trying to please my parents. When I turned four, I started violin lessons and my mother made it clear that it could be nothing more than a hobby. Ironically enough, this hobby kicked my butt as a four year old. I had to practice for at least an hour, if not more, every single day for fifteen years. I cherished my violin and if I didn't want to practice, my mom would threaten to take it away from me. I grew an attachment to something that I didn't even love that much. 

When it came to school, I was expected to get straight A's, anything less would cause trouble. With classes that I took, they had to be the most advanced (and this didn't just start in high school with AP classes). I remember in sixth grade, a phone call came from my teacher saying that I didn't do well enough on the placement exam to be in the advanced math. I remember crying all day because of that, which now seems completely ridiculous to me. But it was important that I could do my best for my parents, and as an eleven-year-old, I realized I wasn't doing that. I remember my dad telling me he was disappointed in me. By the time it was my freshman year in high school, I got my first B. I was lectured and it was not fun. It's hard being at your friends house seeing their parents praising them for getting A's and sometimes even rewarding them. 

My junior year of high school was the hardest year of my life. I was constantly trying to please my mom and it felt like she would only get angrier at me the harder I tried. With church, my testimony was at an all-time low. I didn't believe in anything and I thought I was going insane. There was a day where I just was not having it, and I contemplated suicide. It felt like the easy way out. Now, I don't want to scare anyone, because I didn't attempt it. But I definitely thought about the ways I could. But something stopped and saved me from even trying, and that was my friends. I grew up never feeling support from my family for my ambitions and accomplishments, but the people that did give that to me were my friends. I knew if I decided to end my life that year, that would be the most selfish thing. So I didn't. For that, I will forever be thankful for the friendships that I made in high school. My senior was one of the best years of my life, which is why I have no complaints about high school experiences. 

I've learned to stop running from my problems, and now that I no longer live with my parents, our relationship has gotten a little better. It's not that I don't love them, but when you spend eighteen years of your life never being told you're loved or smart or good at anything, it gets tough. I've essentially taken back my life ever since moving out. My parents have attempted to choose my school major, standards and stances in life. But I said no more. Not to just my parents, but everyone. As much as anyone pushes, I can't be something I'm not. I might not know completely who I am yet, but if one thing is for certain is that I am a daughter of God and I know He loves me unconditionally. If He didn't, I wouldn't be blessed with such amazing friends in my life.

My life has taken a 180 since high school. Everything feels different now. So if you're ever curious as to why I am always so giddy, and why I have to hug and tell everyone I love them, it's because that's who I am. I want to give people what I never was shown growing up. As much as it saddens me that I am not close with my family, it's also nice to remember that my friends are my family. They are my everything. I would do anything for them, because they would do the same for me. 

Why Life isn't Peachy Keen....

I think we're all pretty aware that life isn't easy. We need to work hard for our jobs, our grades, our significant others (or lack thereof), and the biggest pain in our butts: our futures.

I don't know about anyone else, but the future is what I fear most in the entire world. My absolute least favorite question is "where do you see yourself in five years" I don't know, where do you? Because I can guarantee five years ago, you didn't expect yourself to be where you are today. It's a ridiculous question. I can't even say what exactly I'll be doing a week from now, let alone tomorrow. However, I have found that we all need to brace ourselves for what the future holds. Just like those safety pamphlets on airplanes, (that we all seem to neglect after several flights) it's always good to be ready. I know I'm repetitive, but only because it's a true statement. But hope for the best, and plan for the worst.

The past week and a half has literally been the most confusing, joy-filled, sad/lonely and spiritual time in my life. I know, that sounds insane. I have basically felt every emotion possible put into a few short days. But to put things into perspective, long-story short, I lost two people very important to me. One by choice, and one without. (No, nobody died. Or is in a coma) I can tell you right now, that three weeks ago, I did not expect my life to be in this situation. But I've been reminded that every moment, and every decision we make has a purpose. 

I carry this notebook to church, that my mom randomly gave me as a gift. There's a quote on it from Marjorie Hinckley that says, "Everything you are learning now, is preparing you for something else." It seems pretty cheesy, but it has truth. Lately hard decisions have been popping up everywhere. School, work life, and personal life. I have spent the past few days trying to sort out my life, figuring out why people were brought into it, and why I have been prompted to make certain choices. And simply put, it's because it's supposed to help me for the future. The place that I fear most. But it doesn't sound as scary when you realize that ultimately you decide what happens.

I remember right before all my friends left on missions they all made sure I was aware that I was NOT allowed to get married while they were gone. Me, being stubborn and headstrong, would shout that I would never be a college bride. And they would gently remind me that it was my choice at the end of the day. We all make decisions every single moment of every single day that can determine our future, but it is up to us to make sure we choose the right ones. As much as Heavenly Father wants to help us out, we need to ask for it, and He expects us to make the right choices. It's kind of how our parents told us that we could stay out past midnight, but they preferred us to come home earlier.

Yesterday, I sat down with my dad and just vented to him about everything going on in my life. All he said in return was, "There are somethings you cannot learn from others and have to experience for yourself" 

I think ultimately this past week and a half, I have learned that having weaknesses is not a bad thing. Feeling sad, alone, and angry are not bad things. Putting up emotional walls? Not so great, but still not a bad thing. Asking for comfort, help, guidance? Definitely not a bad thing. There is always something to improve on in life, even if you think you're at your best. Life never has and never will be easy, but our challenges and trials will be worth it in the end. So let's help each other get through the tough times, and laugh through the best.

The Little Things

In an effort to avoid homework, this blog post happened.

The past two weeks have been overwhelming spiritually. I was reminded of how much Heavenly Father truly cares about each and every one of us individually. He cares and understands our wants and desires as simple and small as they may seem.

About a week and a half ago, I went to the temple, a weekly occurrence for me. For some reason, I was feeling vulnerable and was terrified at the thought of being mistaken as a boy again. So I said a simple prayer before entering, asking God if He would help everyone at the temple to be observant and recognize me for who I am. It seemed really ridiculous as I finished my prayer, but it felt important to ask for help. To no surprise, my visit was exactly what I hoped and prayed for. What an amazing reminder of how much He truly cares about our lives! I hope to whoever is reading this, you too will learn again and again, as I have, to ask of God for assistance in things that are out of our control. As little or unimportant as they may seem, I know for a fact that He wants to hear from you.

I urge you to read Elder Hugo E. Martinez's talk, from General Conference this past weekend. It felt so personal in a way that I cannot explain.

On top of all this goodness, I also had the opportunity to watch priesthood session for the first time. I've always spent the time reading the talks, but never seen it live. I spent all of Saturday with my favorite guys in my ward and I asked if it would be alright if I could watch the session with them. They all agreed, warning me that it might be overwhelming because the leaders of the church are quite often direct and harsh towards the men. Honestly, all I have to say after watching it, is that it was my favorite part of the entire conference weekend. Not only did I get to experience something new, but I bonded with these guys! I am so grateful for the people in my life right now and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am thankful for the reminder that Heavenly Father places people into our lives at certain times for certain reasons. These boys build me spiritually everyday, whether or not they know it and I love them for it!! (:

In case you want to read/watch/listen to more of this past weekend's conference, here is the link!

Learning to Be Happy

Deserving can sound like a pretty selfish word, if you ask me. But I also think it's important to remember that sometimes it's okay to be selfish.

I am a person that needs to learn from my own advice that I give. I constantly look out for my friends and family, making sure that they are happy, disregarding my own happiness. But here's the thing, how can you expect to solve everyone else's problems if you can't even figure out your own? You can't.

You know how on the airplane safety video they always tell you to help yourself first with the oxygen mask and then others? Life is exactly the same way. You can't help someone be happy without being happy yourself.

So that's what I did for my last part of summer. Which is why I neglected my blog. I couldn't bring myself to try to give advice for something that I was personally having a hard time finding. However, I'm happy to report to you, my fellow readers, that I am extremely happy. I was able to find myself the past couple months once again.

I stopped trying crazy hard to find a boyfriend, I focused even more on church than usual and I prepared myself for the upcoming school year. I became a more confident version of myself. I woke up each morning facing myself saying, "Hey you're pretty cool and you don't need to impress anyone but yourself." Rather than the usual, "This is as good as it's going to get." Things got better, dare I say, great! I became even better friends with my wonderful roommate, Robyn, who reminds me to try harder to be better everyday. (Though she might not realize she does it for me, I am so grateful for it.) I walked away from toxic "friends" making my life easier. Bad things and reminders left my life at the same time too. My dating life picked up, and when I say picked up...boy, do I mean picked up. If you know what I mean. (;

Everything seemed almost too perfect which lead to me letting myself wonder if maybe I didn't deserve to be this happy. Honestly, as stuck up and as selfish as it sounds, I deserve to be this happy with life; with my friends, family and school. I have been patient, and the reward has finally come. However, I do realize that I have to keep up what I've been doing the past month and a half in order to keep deserving such happiness.

So take this advice or leave it, but in order to make other's happy, you must find your own happiness first. And no, it will not be easy to find. But as soon as you do, make it last as long as possible. Why? BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but they do. But once you get through it, the reward will be so great, you'll forget everything bad that ever happened. And you'll smile. (:

Identity Crisis

No, I didn't get my identity stolen. But I did have a moment earlier this week where I had to step back and question who I really am and want to be.

As human beings, it's easy to compare yourself to others. We can't help ourselves. For example, whenever you hear of some twelve year old that just graduated top of their class at Harvard, you can't help but wonder why you've done nothing with your life but average things. I think the best thing to do in those situations is not have those things bring you down, but build you up. Have that be the motivation for you! Granted, most of us have passed the age of twelve and probably won't be attending Harvard. But it's nice to try harder than you already are. There's always something to improve on. In my own life, and as silly as it sounds, my own motivation to getting to law school is Elle Woods. If she can get a 174 on her LSATs, SO CAN I! 

So with my own situation earlier this week, I found myself comparing my life to someone else's (who, mind you, is not one of my favorite people) wondering if I was just as crazy or unlikable. I was telling a friend that I would never want to be the person that is so terrible that people would roll their eyes because their name was said, or would be questioned as to why someone would want to date them or perhaps even gasp or  scream "NO!" when the name pops up.

So naturally, I was freaking out, attempting to get validation of my status from friends. Because no one wants to be told they aren't who they think they are. My wonderful friends reminded me that despite what the world might think I am, that is only the surface and if I know what I want and what I believe in, and that's all that matters. AND IT'S TRUE!

You can live your life being a Debbie-Downer or choose to be that annoying, yet helpful, Positive-Polly. And that's all I have to say about that.