Identity Crisis

No, I didn't get my identity stolen. But I did have a moment earlier this week where I had to step back and question who I really am and want to be.

As human beings, it's easy to compare yourself to others. We can't help ourselves. For example, whenever you hear of some twelve year old that just graduated top of their class at Harvard, you can't help but wonder why you've done nothing with your life but average things. I think the best thing to do in those situations is not have those things bring you down, but build you up. Have that be the motivation for you! Granted, most of us have passed the age of twelve and probably won't be attending Harvard. But it's nice to try harder than you already are. There's always something to improve on. In my own life, and as silly as it sounds, my own motivation to getting to law school is Elle Woods. If she can get a 174 on her LSATs, SO CAN I! 

So with my own situation earlier this week, I found myself comparing my life to someone else's (who, mind you, is not one of my favorite people) wondering if I was just as crazy or unlikable. I was telling a friend that I would never want to be the person that is so terrible that people would roll their eyes because their name was said, or would be questioned as to why someone would want to date them or perhaps even gasp or  scream "NO!" when the name pops up.

So naturally, I was freaking out, attempting to get validation of my status from friends. Because no one wants to be told they aren't who they think they are. My wonderful friends reminded me that despite what the world might think I am, that is only the surface and if I know what I want and what I believe in, and that's all that matters. AND IT'S TRUE!

You can live your life being a Debbie-Downer or choose to be that annoying, yet helpful, Positive-Polly. And that's all I have to say about that.

The BYU/Provo Dating Scene

I try to keep my posts positive, but I am not having it this week. Maybe you can all give me advice this time.

I'm coming up on my third year at BYU as well as my 18th year in Provo, Utah. After being raised in a secure sheltered ignorant place, I am desperate to finish my degree so I can leave as quickly as possible and never return.

I know what you're thinking, "what could be so bad about staying?"

EVERYTHING

I'm sick of being judged for not going on a mission, I'm sick of being questioned as to why I'm not dating someone, I am sick of being told what to think about politics and what to do with my life. I'm just really done. 

When I graduated high school, all of my friends reassured my dating life would set sail as soon as I started at BYU with weekly dates. That is the biggest lie I have ever been told. Let me tell you what I've been sailing the past two years, the SS Struggle. After several dates with BYU boys I am simply confused. Am I missing something? Maybe I am just old fashioned but I would never pull out my phone on a date, regardless if it was pertinent to the conversation. I would never talk about old relationships or even dates that I had recently been on. I would never talk about relatives or friends that had passed away (at least not on a first date). If I didn't want to be on that date, I wouldn't be rude. 

What really doesn't make sense to me is why guys here think that ignoring the girl they don't want to date is a good idea. It's really not. Why does someone think they have the right to speak in a condescending tone to someone when they simply want to be friends? I don't understand it. Men, no, BOYS, of BYU/Provo GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER. I'm not saying girls aren't cruel either because I am known to have my streak of "oh you don't want to date me, don't talk to me ever again" which in all honesty is how I cope with things. I need space from the people that hurt me in order to attempt to forgive them later. We have become a society where our phones are everything instead of remembering to talk face-to-face leaving us with so many issues of communication. I mean, I will admit I could be wrong. Maybe Provo is actually a completely normal place and I am what is the problem.

I have sat down with my roommate, crying, one too many times this past year. I am putting my foot down and moving on from this place. Mentally, but unfortunately not physically. Trust me I've learned my lesson, "Don't pee in the same pool you swim in". And after a few tries, I'm realizing that I should just give up. It's no longer worth it here anymore and I need to wait for my next big step in life to try again. I always knew that I wouldn't find a husband at BYU because I never want to be a young bride. But I didn't know I wouldn't ever find a relationship either and that is the hardest realization. 

With A Little Help From My Friends

I have spent twenty years of my life trying to put on a face, put up a shield and make sure every single one of my friends is happy and doing what they should be before I myself do. I have said time and time again that I would go to the ends of the earth for several of my friends to ensure that they have happy lives and marry the right people before I ever do. 

Ultimately, this summer I have learned that I can't do that anymore.

I realize that it sounds like I am saying I no longer care about my friends, which is false. I have merely learned that as a human being, and not God, I can only do so much and say so much until it's out of my hands.

You are not responsible for anyone BUT yourself on this earth. Even when you grow older and have children, you can only hope they turn out to be the people they should be. No one can force anyone to do anything because at the end of the day everyone has their right to choose. Of course God can do things for us, but do you think that's the way to learn anything? Absolutely not. Agency was given to us so that we can learn and grow to become the best version of ourselves.

These past couple weeks I have let myself open up more to my own personal problems and seek advice from friends. It has been really different. Two weeks ago when my week was not going great at all I immediately sent an email to my best friend, Ali, who is currently serving in Alaska. I was in tears asking for advice to get over a hard time and how to move past it. I'll tell you something, LISTEN TO THE SPIRIT when it prompts you to do things like this. Sure, it might not seem that important at the moment but if I didn't email her I would have been a complete wreck. Her email back was not long, but it was enough. She reminded me that everything would end up being okay and that I should choose to be loved. I can't even begin to explain how perfect of an answer that was. 

Some days, it's okay to be selfish. To love yourself.

You can only teach your friends so much until they decide whether or not to believe it all. So don't put stress on yourself. At the end of the day, your friends do not need a lecture, but LOVE. 

I know many times I have told people that I have never loved someone, in a romantic way. I'm honestly not sure if I ever will be able to because it's a whole new concept to me. BUT I will tell you this, I love my friends SO SO much. If you're sitting and thinking, "I could never love someone unconditionally" THINK AGAIN. I bet you have. Your friends, your family. It's the idea that no matter what a person does or chooses, you still care about them just the same.

So here is my piece of advice for this week: don't forget to remind the people in your life how important they are to you and how much you love them despite their actions and choices. 

Life was not meant to be lived alone. 

Appreciating the Good Days

Last week was HARD. There was the whole "brother" incident at the temple. And to top it all off, I was friendzoned for the billionth time.

Life is definitely not the easiest thing right now. But I will tell you something, I am not going through it alone. It's totally and completely imperfect moments like these that tell you who care about you the most and reminds you to remember who you are and want to be.

These past few weeks I've basically only spent it with my ward, which I thought was kind of weird at first then just eventually accepted it. Man, oh man, am I grateful that I have. These amazing people came to my rescue as soon as I was having a bad day. It's such a wonderful reminder that God has you meet certain people at certain times because that's when you need them the most. Whether it be a test of patience, or that you need them in your life to encourage you or they might even need you in their lives. It sounds strange but my favorite thing is getting called out in public by some random stranger because I'm not smiling or laughing. It reminds me that life is short and not worth spending time being upset.

It's an interesting thing to think that once I did not turn to my Father in Heaven for advice. I would just brush it off like He was the least important one on my list of priorities. NEVER do that. Never make the mistake I did. God is wonderful. He knows you, He listens to you and most importantly, He understands what you're going through.

I have never found facebook to be a very profound place but the past couple days since it's gotten really really tough everyone seems to be posting really amazing things. The new Colbie Caillat song, "Try" had me in tears. It was so perfect because it was everything I was frustrated with last week. HOW PERFECT WAS THE TIMING? I have never believed in coincidences and this was a prayer answered.

It's important to remember that bad days happen so that you can appreciate the good ones and grow. We each have our own trials and as dumb as it sounds mine has been dating. Trust me, it's not the easiest thing trying to explain to a room full of white males that generally the main reason as to why you aren't datable in Utah County is because you are asian. and loud. and progressive. I choose to be different because that's just who I am and have always been. So yes, just because I have indeed been friendzoned for the billionth time does that mean I'm going to completely give up? NO. Just because I was called a brother over ten times at the temple does that mean I'm going to stop going? NO. In fact, I think I'll go tomorrow. (:

So whoever you are that's reading this, if you're having a hard day or even a hard week please remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm here to laugh with you...but also here to cry with you. (:

Sorry for the language...but has a good point. (:

If I Were a Boy...

Being a girl with short hair, there's a risk for being mistaken for a man.

BUT WHY

Yesterday, I went to the temple and was not only mistaken for a man once, but over ten times. I was told that I couldn't do a sister's name. I was called brother MULTIPLE times, and I was also told to leave the dressing room because I was on the "wrong" side. Ladies and Gentlemen what do we call this?

PURE IGNORANCE

I finally put my foot down as I was about to change back into my normal close and one of the temple workers screamed "brother brother brother" at me before I acknowledged her. A mom walking past me looked at her confused saying, "Uhh that's a sister" followed by me saying, "I'm a girl." The worker grabbed me instantly pulling me in for the most awkward hug of my life followed by her grabbing my face telling me that I was "beautiful" And that's when I ran back to my locker and cried. It's really disheartening to hear someone only call you pretty because they mistook you for the opposite gender. I kept telling myself to stop crying because it was a ridiculous thing to cry about. I mean for crying out loud, I knew who I was. I chose to cut my hair this short and I had to face the consequences. But of course you need to consider that that's when Satan gets to you. Because you're upset and you'll instantly jump to stupid conclusions. I kept wiping of my face waiting till I calmed down but thoughts like, "this is why guys don't date you" came into my mind. Which is completely ridiculous in itself. If someone is purely only thinking of looks when it comes to dating then you shouldn't even consider that person. **cough tinder cough**

So please step back and ask yourself, "WHAT IS BEAUTY?" I have grown up having to teach myself that it is a state of mind and nothing more. Society is so completely messed up that they have drilled into our minds that if I don't have long hair as a girl, I'm probably a tom boy or even a lesbian. If I am skinny that means I might possibly anorexic. If I weigh more than Kim Kardashian that means I am no longer beautiful. If I don't wear make up I am ugly. BUT WHY? Why is that the stereotype? This is why I want to leave Happy Valley Utah so bad. BECAUSE IT IS AWFUL HERE. I have never met more judgmental people that live in complete ignorance. I am so ready to finish school and just book it out of here and never come back. 

I shouldn't have to deal with people wondering if I'm a boy! Because why can't a girl have short hair? Who said it was wrong? Everybody has their own story as to why they are the way that they are. I have my reasons, you have yours. (Feel free to ask me anytime, I'm fairly open about it.) But just because I have short hair, it gives you NO RIGHT to assume who I am or am not. And the same goes for you, dear reader. Open your eyes past the ignorance and welcome yourself to the 21st century. It's 2014 people, not 1914. And if you're going through a hard time to because of something like looks, take a step back and tell yourself "I AM BEAUTIFUL" (yes even males can say it) you'll eventually start believing yourself and disregard what everyone else thinks of you. Because at the end of the day, you and only you can choose your fate and happiness.

Hollywood: Ruining Dating Lives One Step at a Time

Don't get me wrong, I adore hollywood. I mean, I did after all want to be a film major at one point. But there's always been something that bothers me about it: the expectation of how the dating pool should be.

I used to be just like every girl, I loved "romcoms" (romantic comedies for those of you not familiar with slang) and quite literally expected some boy to come around and sweep me off my feet. My senior year of high school, I watched The Notebook for the first time, and to be honest, I did indeed cry. I didn't understand why I did, I mean **spoiler alert** the old couple dies together...OUT OF OLD AGE. It shouldn't be that sad. Sure it was seen as some weird romantic gesture that he told their love story every day to his wife so she could for a split moment remember who he was and suddenly forget again. But in all honesty, if I watched that movie right now, I'd probably want to throw the TV out the window because it's garbage. Yes, I said it. Any film that is "based on a Nicholas Sparks novel" is complete crap. Well, at least it is in my opinion (and probably most, if not all, men). But it doesn't just stop at Nicholas Sparks films, it's really any romantic comedy or romance movie. The Vow? Somebody hand me a puke bucket, NOW. Once I watched A Walk to Remember with some friends, and I laughed the whole time and the level of how unrealistic everything was.

Okay, I get it. At this point, you're probably sitting there saying, "RACHEL, YOU HAVE NO SOUL IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE MOVIES"

But why? Because I believe that love isn't some weird fantasy nonsense made up by Hollywood? Because I believe that happiness is decided for yourself and not because a man came by and gave you a box of chocolates or flowers? Because there isn't going to be some fairytale story where it's always been the guy right next to you that has been in love with you?

I suppose a "Chick Flick" that I do really enjoy is Legally Blonde. Why? Because Warner DUMPED her. He was supposedly the perfect guy and he said he didn't want her because she was too much of a "Marilyn" and not enough of a "Jackie" (also totally judging you if you don't understand that reference. Go study up on your American history) So what did Elle Woods do? She became that Jackie for him enough that he didn't deserve her anymore. GO ELLE. Any film that empowers women should be promoted and not garbage that you should wait in a tower for Flynn Rider to come. (Yes, indeed I am a hater of that movie as well) Why should a movie like Tangled be praised when it promotes the idea that a person will change for you, that you should just go for the first person you meet (or date in a realistic scenario) IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, PEOPLE. She's only 18, and the only way I can even begin to describe Rapunzel or Tangled is Provo Utah in itself. Which I get, Rapunzel = #relatable. Girl leaves home for the first time, girl finds boy, girl gets married.

Maybe that's why I had such a draw to the new Maleficent film that just came out. GIRLFRIEND IS SOOOO RELATABLE. **Major spoiler alert** She meets a guy, he tells her he loves her and other crap, betrays her, she gets revenge. CLASSIC. **Spoiler over**

So ladies, or even guys out there --> DON'T LET HOLLYWOOD DECIDE YOUR FATE. CHOOSE YOUR OWN. Because you deserve something even better than what Hollywood has to offer.

The Wave of Pretentious Return Missionaries

First of all, to my frequent readers of my blog, I am so sorry I went totally AWOL for an entire month and a half. I went off to Europe -- possible post coming -- and then I just had a lot of things to catch up on! BUT I'm back and that's what important right?


So lately I've noticed something different about Provo aka Mormonville. Back in 2012, President Thomas S. Monson changed the missionary age. This not only changed the lives of those that wanted to go on missions but also those that were planning not to as well.

Well, I'm guessing you know already that I was one of the few that chose not to go on a mission. But probably about 95% of my friends decided to. Or now that these two years are almost coming to a close I feel as if I should say "friends". The older you get, the more you realize who really are your true friends. Those that actually keep their plans they made with you or those that blow you off for "better" things. Because I knew a large amount of people leaving on missions due to this change in age, that means a large amount are returning which has amounted to something that I like to call, The Wave of Pretentious Return Missionaries. Now this includes all forms of RM's, full time and those that returned early.

If I've learned anything living a year away (or more like everyone else is away) from the majority of my high school friends is that life goes on without them. Many times as I sent off a friend, they'd say, "We'll do lots of things when I get back!" As if nothing was going to change. Within the past couple years or even within two months many people have been married, chosen a definite major, and learned life lessons. In other words, NOTHING is the same.

So this is what happens, these RM's come back, and quickly realize that they are left out of the loop completely. I mean, who wants to give a missionary bad news while they're gone? Probably not most people. So these RMs come together and tell their jokes and stories and stop including their friends that stayed behind. Don't get me wrong, I get it. These are the people that get you, because you're not ready to come back into the "real world" yet and these people understand you on a whole new level that those that haven't served a mission do. BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM. The vibe you catch off these RMs is that they think they're better than you now, because why? Because you didn't choose to serve a mission. They give off this vibe that you are not "worthy" of their presence because they spent a certain amount of time to go off and serve the Lord. I'm definitely not saying that's a bad thing. But did you ever stop to remember your friends that spent time to write you letters or emails each week, while you were gone? Or did you just happen to forget them because your other RM friends are SOOOOOOO much better than them? A pattern has started and now there's a clear line of separation between those that have and haven't served missions and it honestly shouldn't be that way.

I'm sure a lot of guys are coming back from their missions saying "I need to marry a gal that has also served a full-time mission." Well, okay. That's fine. But also shame on you for being an ignorant person and thinking that girls that haven't served missions aren't worthy and that you should drop her if she hasn't. Last I checked it's still an OPTION for girls to go. Heck, it's an option for guys too. This kind of environment Provo has created has so much nonsense to it because there's such a high status to fulfill. If you're not on a mission you should be married or close to it. So this what I have to say back to the people of Provo that think this:

YOU ALL CAN SUCK IT. I'm not going to succumb to the pressures of this kind of environment. I am going to be me, and you can all deal with it. Because being fake is probably the worst thing a human being can be, and I refuse to be that.

Now I'm not saying ALL RMs are this bad, but for the majority of those that are actually from Provo, gosh I hate saying this but I kind of don't want to see most of you ever again because of your attitudes. Come back when you remember that you're no better than anyone else.

I mean, a lot of RMs will talk to/interact with those that haven't served a mission - as long as they didn't know them before the mission.

So take a stand, and prove to the world that LDS people aren't judgmental and don't segregate the people that have and have not served missions because aren't we just supposed to be one big happy family? Let's make it so.